3 May 2014

3 May 2014 (Friday)

Dear Piggy,

Pardon me for writing this. But I just feel so terrible inside that I have nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, and nothing I can do. All I can do is write. Perhaps somehow the pain will go away.

I really really want to give you my blessings with all my heart. But I am afraid I just can't do it. I am happy that you are happy, but every part of me wishes that it is a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from, just like the numerous times that I dreamt about this scenario. I knew it was impossible that a wonderful girl like you would be single all this while, but I tried not to think too much about it. For all the teasing about the lan tao hua, there was never a day when I stopped fearing that the next one would be real. To be honest, I really really tried to suppress my feelings about you all this while. God knows how many times I have wanted to pick up the phone to text you or call you whenever I experienced new things over here, and even just to ask how you were getting on. Your duties, your nephew, your scholarship, all the silly bridesmaid wedding prep stories etc etc. But many times I put the phone back down again, as I wasn't sure whether I was bothering you. Sometimes you just seem too busy to reply. I should have known that someone else was in your life...

But the last few days have been so painful, and the pain reminded me of what I have known all along - that I still love you as much as ever. I don't want to make you feel sorry or guilty - but you were my motivation. No matter how tough the work was here, I always kept you on my mind, and wanted to make you proud of me. When you told me you could be going for XXX, I knew I had to work hard, giving me a better chance of perhaps doing a postgrad with you.

But that was all in my head isn't it? And it has always been like this for us - me thinking some things but never saying them out, and perhaps you too. Thinking back, I feel so silly, and so angry, because there were so many chances for me to make things right, but I didn't. I remembered you told me you broke off with your ex because he was so insistent about his proposal and pressurising you. So I always wanted to give you enough space. Whenever I missed you, I wanted to drive to your place and tell you how much I missed you, but I didn't want to be like stalker, who turned you off and freaked you out. All I ever wanted was to tell you how much I loved you, that I wanted to leave the grey area behind, but at a suitable time, especially with you facing so much pressure at work at that time. It is so silly that throughout the course of more than one year, the timing was so elusive. We never got to go on the vacation that we had talked about. We never got to have a good talk as papers and meetings came and went. The gap between us just grew and grew. In the end, I guess I just never gave you enough security, that there was going to be a future with me. Why didn't I do that???? I fucking hate myself for not doing that.

Remember when I told you how I felt that you were the right one for me? That still didn't change... But there were also times when I looked at myself in the mirror in the morning, and feel like such a loser, that I don't feel good enough for you. Like how my friend said he was 'punching above his weight', I felt like that too when I was with you. But perhaps this was my mistake all along, so obsessed with how I was feeling, whether you were the right one, whether I was the right one, that I neglected how you feel. Yet the more I tried to compensate by giving you space, the worse it got. I wish that I had met more people before you, because these are all mistakes that people make when they are young. So that when they meet the right one, things fall into place. But now that I have lost you, it feels like I will take these lessons to my grave, never to use them again.

Words don't even begin to describe how I feel, to have the small sliver of hope within me ripped out. Thanks for letting me know, rather than to find out through some other way. But now that you are going to be someone else's wife, I don't even have the chance to tell you I miss you anymore in future. Here goes one last time - I miss you and I love you piggy. You were my happiness, my everything.

Perhaps you are right, I am never good at being just friends, definitely not with you... I wish you happiness in everything you do.