7 Apr 2012

7 Apr 2012

Hey piggy,

There are so many thoughts in my head that I don’t really know where to begin. So pardon me if I seem to be repeating myself or if it seems to be incoherent. But I guess I didn’t really want to leave things hanging like that.

First of all, sorry for being so useless and indecisive. I think I had said this a lot of times, but I am really sorry that things were always so ambiguous between us, which troubled you so much. To me, how I felt towards you wasn’t ambiguous. But still I couldn’t shake off the feeling of guilt that I had towards my ex. Perhaps subconsciously, I really wished she would find her happiness. I don’t know if it was out of concern for her or is it just to make myself feel better. It was really selfish of me to think that way, but I don’t know why I can’t shake it off. And in the process, I left you waiting and hanging like that, which was selfish of me again…

Sometimes I had also felt like we were in a Catch-22 situation. I had wanted so much to build something between us. We said so many times that we should hang out more, but in the end we could never keep it up. When I was free, you were busy. When you were free, I would be busy. I didn’t want you to give up anything by being with me, hence I had always tried to go out with you only if you were free or wanted to. And hence I was really sad when in the end, you were still tired out between juggling work, family, friends, volunteering and me. I wished I could integrate myself into your other activities to make it easier for you. But could I just call myself your bf just like that, without having built up something between us? But if building up something meant tiring you out, I guess then it’s better to stop…

I guess my low self-esteem also didn’t help. As much as I tried to hide it, I constantly question whether I am the best person for you, not just in terms of “love” per se, but also in all other aspects. XXX had told me that this isn’t up to me to decide, but still I can’t help but think whether I am an obstacle to you. XXX work had made me jaded and cynical, and this certainly doesn’t help to be supportive towards you in your work, especially when you are also questioning your own future in the service. Perhaps somebody like ES or artist would be much better. After all, I don’t even know what I am going to do after my bond ends, what kind of future will I be able to provide to you?

There were so many times in the last couple of months, when I wanted to ask whether you would be my gf, especially when I am holding your hands and looking into your eyes. But I knew you would ask me back whether I am sure blah blah. And the things above would go round in my head over and over again. And I would always think that you deserve someone better, or at least someone more decisive than me… Sorry for making you involved in this messed up world of mine. And making you so tired in the process. You really deserve better. And sorry if I appear unfriendly in the office for the next few days. I don’t want to talk to anyone and infect them with my bad mood… Sorry…